


When You Come Back Down

by GiraffesCantDance



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, Some angst, Ten Years Later, lots of fluff too, physician!Alyssa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2020-10-14 09:11:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20598299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiraffesCantDance/pseuds/GiraffesCantDance
Summary: It's been ten years since the events of the prom. Alyssa is a surgical resident, still driven, and still holding Emma's heart in her talented hands (because she's a surgeon, get your head out of the gutter). However, Emma has a decision to make. A big one that could send her career in a direction she never thought possible, but is that direction away from Alyssa?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'd had the general story concept in mind for over a year now, but it wasn't until I found these two dorks that the story sprung from my mind fully formed like Athena in all her armored regalia. I hadn't heard of The Prom until this past Spring, and I've never written fanfiction. I feel badly throwing more angst their way after everything they've been through, but I'm still going to put them through it. 
> 
> I have no beta reader, so all errors are my own.

Emma Nolan awoke to the soft pre-dawn light filtering in a hazy glow through the bedroom window. She was a light sleeper and had forgone the part of her typical bedtime ritual that included closing the curtains. She must have fallen asleep while reading last night, in other words, her phone lay somewhere in the tangle of sheets around her. Turning to her right, Emma saw a mass of dark curls cascading down framing a face with strikingly defined cheekbones, light-brown skin, full lips, and for once in longer than Emma can remember the slumbering woman’s face is softened, no furrowed brow, or teeth worrying her lip. Lately, Emma thinks, the woman had started to resemble a younger version of herself, of the teen she had once been. Alyssa. As a teenager she’d been so torn, pulled in a million different directions, and terrified back then about coming out publicly, her anxiety overwhelmed her at every turn. While ten years later, Emma didn’t find herself scrambling to help Alyssa manage her anxiety attacks nearly as often as she had back then, she still wished she could somehow ease the burdens the anxiety caused. 

Emma notes Alyssa is still in the light blue scrubs she must have worn home from the hospital last night. Somehow despite still being clothed Alyssa had managed to take off her bra and toss it towards the foot of the bed. While Emma knows Alyssa switched out her scrubs at the hospital for a clean set, she must have been dead on her feet if she collapsed on the bed without changing. Even after an 18-hour day running around a hospital, she was stunning, but then there never was any difficulty for Emma to find Alyssa Greene beautiful.

No, physical attraction wasn’t a concern. Lately, though, they hadn’t been communicating as well, their schedules were so at odds. When they did happen to spend more than ten minutes in each other’s presence, somehow the conversation would devolve into an argument. It wasn’t always the same argument, but the arguments often came back to the frustrations each of them were experiencing with their lives at that point. One key frustration for Emma was not feeling fulfilled in her career. “What career?” she mumbled lowly. 

As if in response, Alyssa shifted in her sleep, some of her dark brown curls falling, slightly obscuring her face. Emma held her breath, worried she’d woken Alyssa. She slowly let the breath out when Alyssa remained asleep. Emma tentatively reached out her hand, whether to brush the fallen curls aside or to caress Alyssa’s cheek as the burgeoning morning light was doing, she couldn’t say. 

Her heart ached, and she winced scrunching her eyes closed trying vainly to block out Alyssa’s words echoing in her mind from their most recent fight a few days ago. Sighing, Emma rolled onto her back, the hand that had been outstretched dropped unceremoniously across her own eyes. Not that Emma noticed she’d just whacked herself in the face. She was too busy trying to not remember the words Alyssa exhaled in a bout of turmoiled frustration, the unshed tears in Alyssa’s eyes finally spilling over, “Why are you even here then? Why did you come with me to Ann Arbor?”

Emma had opened and closed her mouth a few times in response, at a loss for what to say. 

The gentle click-clack along the wooden floors of their home brought her back to the moment. A wet nose sniffed her face through the triangle of her arm, the one still flung over her head. When she didn’t move, the nose was removed replaced by a large paw thwack to her face, and a soft whine, which finally got her to swing her legs over the edge and sit up in bed, mumbling, “Okay, okay, Westley.” 

She grabbed her glasses, and as she put them on, soft brown pleading eyes came into view. “Yes, I’m up. I will let you outside now,” she whispered, not wanting to wake Alyssa, but not sure that an atom bomb would wake her at this point. Sliding into slippers. She noted for the millionth time how handsome their dog Westley was with his tan and white coloring. His head and ears were a reddish tan with a white blaze leading down to a white muzzle topped off with a black nose that was always sniffing at something. They only knew he was a lab mix, but Emma, considering herself an expert now given her hours of acute study on google image search, was certain Westley was part foxhound. He certainly had a hound nose and a hound’s prey drive. He was smaller than you might expect a hound or a lab to be, but he had long legs and a slight frame. He was a dog built for speed. As soon as Emma opened the door, he went tearing out into the yard after the squirrel he'd spotted. “Don’t forget you had to pee so badly, pup.” Emma chuckles as she turns towards the bathroom for her own morning needs. 

Splashing cool water on her face to rinse off face soap that was almost too fancy for her, Emma thinks back to three years ago. Three years ago when she’d seen Alyssa again for the first time since they’d broken up Sophomore year of college. Well, “seeing” is overstating things. In fact, how it happened was that Emma began walking up the Greene driveway, almost as if she were in a slow-motion movie montage when she saw the scene in front of her. Alyssa stood turned away from her in jean shorts and a tank top, oversized microfiber cloth in hand, washing what Emma presumed to be Alyssa’s car. Emma had trouble focusing on the details of the car though, especially since Alyssa was bending over to rinse out the cloth in a bucket at her feet. Emma felt an inescapable sigh leave her lips, and she then opened her mouth to greet her ex.

If things had been moving in slow motion before, suddenly they sped up, to the point where Emma found herself standing in drenched clothing from head to toe. She had no idea how it had happened. Apparently, she’d walked right into the spray from the bucket Alyssa had turned to toss out down the drive. The aforementioned water dumping culprit herself was doubled over in hysterics at this point, tears streaming down her face at the sight of Emma.

“I couldn’t have …” Alyssa gasps for air, “...planned it better. ...Th-the… timing!” This sends her into another fit of laughter.

Emma who had stood there stunned at the turn of events finally started to chuckle at herself, shaking some excess water from her arms, pulled at her drenched Tshirt, and shifted uncomfortably in her now soaked jeans.

Alyssa finally getting herself somewhat under control turned to run into the house. “Stay there! I’ll go grab you a towel!”

Emma stood awkwardly, trying to find a dry corner of her shirt or jeans to dry off her glasses.

When Alyssa walked back to Emma, towel in hand, her eyes softened. The smile crept back to her face, her curls bouncing slightly beneath the rainbow sweatband keeping them out of her face.

“Hey, there.”

“Hey… uh, thank you.” Emma gestured with the towel, as she first dried her glasses and then proceeded to ineffectually blot the towel against her Tshirt, which had actually already begun to dry in the late Spring Indiana sun. She feared there was no hope for her sodden jeans.

“If I got you a new Tshirt, do you think we could do that again, but this time I film it? For posterity.” Alyssa asked trying to assume a mock serious tone without breaking into laughter again and failing miserably.

“For posterity,” Emma repeats. She pauses a moment as if weighing her response, bringing her finger up to her chin to underscore her pensive stance. Suddenly she lunges towards Alyssa. “I’ll give you posterity,” she growls.

Alyssa laughing again, easily darts away from Emma’s grasp, and sprints to the other side of the car. Emma vainly tries to trick Alyssa into going the wrong way around the car, a blue Subaru Crosstreck she sees now with a few stickers adorning the bumper, one a bright yellow block “M” and another a blue and white shield with “Johns Hopkins” written above.

Emma’s eyes brighten as she spots something peeking around the corner of the Greene’s garage, and she ducks down out of sight and stealthily makes her way over.

Alyssa peeks around the car, knowing Emma is up to something, but uncertain of what. However, when she looks around she doesn’t see Emma anywhere. Maybe she’d given up, maybe she’d gone inside, and as Alyssa steps away from the shelter of her car, she finds out -- Emma had grabbed the hose. Alyssa lets out a shriek as the cold water hits her skin.

“I’m going to murder you, Emma Nolan!”

Emma stops the water briefly. “I don’t think you want to announce plans like that so publicly.”

Alyssa’s eyes flash with determination and something else, as she starts towards Emma. Emma debates whether to open up the nozzle again, or make a run for it. First she does the one, and then she quickly does the other, laughing as she opens and then thrusts the door shut behind her.

“Emma Nolan, let me in my house!”

“No.”

Alyssa kicks the door, which would be more effective if she weren’t wearing flip-flops. Rather than a satisfying thud there’s more of a soft thwack.

“Emma, Emma, Emma, don’t you think you’re behaving a tad childishly?”

“I think I’m behaving a lot childishly, but children aren’t stupid, and I’m not letting you in until you promise you won’t hurt me.”

“I promise I won’t hurt you.”

“...Or spray me with the hose in a sick twisted plot of revenge.”

“I promise I won’t spray you with the hose.”

Emma coughs, “...and?”

Alyssa repeats, “‘And’ what?”

“In a sick twisted plot of revenge.”

Alyssa rolls her eyes. “Oh, my god.”

“Say it.”

Sighing, Alyssa concedes, “I promise I won’t spray you with the hose in a sick twisted plot of revenge. Now open the door and come back outside before you get puddles all over Veronica Greene’s nice clean floors.”

A muffled “Oh, shit.” can be heard from inside the house, immediately followed by the door opening and Emma quickly stepping out.

“I can’t believe you let me into your mom’s house like thi--” Emma’s words are cut short as a cold bucket of water is dumped over her head. Alyssa tosses the bucket and dances away from Emma laughing. 

“Who’s the child now?” Emma calls after her. Alyssa spreads her arms wide and just shrugs, still laughing.

Later, Alyssa steps out of the house and hands Emma a glass of lemonade. Alyssa had changed into a long-sleeve shirt. Disappointed, Emma felt it was probably for the best, after all she had started to find it difficult to form coherent thoughts with Alyssa’s tank top plastered to her body, but then the image of Alyssa bending over to squeeze out the towel while washing her car leapt unbidden into Emma’s minds’ eye and she shook her head to clear it.

“No, what?” Alyssa asked, watching her.

“Hmmmm?” Emma responded wide-eyed.

Alyssa tilted her head, her eyes searching Emma’s face. Alyssa smiled softly. “Nothing. What are you doing here anyway?”

“Here as in the Greene residence, or here as in living it up in Edgewater, Indiana?”

“Either or, or both.” Alyssa sat down next to Emma on the porch steps.

“Well,” Emma drew out the word. “I had a difference of work philosophies so I left my place of employment, and although I loved Chicago, I decided to figure out my next steps in Edgewater with Betsy.”

Alyssa raised an eyebrow. “You had a difference in work philosophies, huh?”

“Yes, I wanted to get paid for my labor, and my boss didn’t think that was a thing he had to do.”

“Well, that sucks.”

“Tell me about it.” Emma leaned back on her hands behind her on the porch, stretched out her legs crossing one over the other the wet denim squelching slightly, and then bumped her shoulder against Alyssa’s. “What about you? I thought you still had another year in medical school.”

“I do,” Alyssa responded, a look of mild surprise crossed over her features. “But, rather than doing another clinical rotation, I’m taking the opportunity to study for Step 2.”

“Ah, of course, but why here? Why not back in Maryland? Wouldn’t there be less, uh, pressure if you weren’t in Indiana?”

Alyssa chuckles hollowly at this. “Well, part one is that Veronica Greene has toned it down slightly in the past seven years, and number ‘B’ is that I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me with her yoga instructor, so I moved out and put my stuff in storage. I’ll figure out a living situation before I head back in July.”

“Ouch, would it be too soon for an ‘eat, pray, love’ joke?”

Alyssa laughs out loud at that. This time, her laughter was doing funny things to the rhythm of Emma’s heart. She’d almost forgotten what it was like to be the cause of Alyssa Greene’s laughter, light and airy, like her heart would float away on the sound.

“No, actually, it’s refreshing to talk about,” Alyssa says, interrupting Emma’s musings. “Everyone has been walking on eggshells about the whole situation, you know? And honestly? I just want to get it all out and done with, so I can move on and focus on this last year, my last few interviews for residency, and these last two tests.”

“Ah, ever the romantic.” Emma brings her hand over her heart and bats her eyelashes.

“Oh, get out of here.” Alyssa pushes at her shoulder in a mock huff. “So why are you here as in at the Greene residence?”

“Your mom wanted me to set-up her new surround sound, and don’t think I’m missing the abrupt change in conversation topic.”

“Is that what all those boxes in the living room are?” Alyssa asks ignoring the last part of Emma’s comment.

Emma nods as she takes another sip of lemonade, the condensation from the glass spilling off and onto the towel now resting in her lap.

Finishing up brushing her teeth, and wiping her mouth on a nearby towel, Emma smiles at the memory of seeing Alyssa again, how it had felt completely different, and like no time at all had passed between the two of them. She remembered how nervous she’d been walking up the driveway realizing Alyssa was home. Then sitting there on the porch with Alyssa all that nervousness had been washed away, either by the literal water fight or the balm of playfulness that rippled throughout the day. They’d ended up chatting for a few hours. 

Emma sighed, thinking of the contrast between that day three years ago, and just the other day when she and Alyssa had last spoken. This time the mental image was far less appealing.

The unshed tears in Alyssa’s eyes had finally spilled over. “Why are you even here then? Why did you come with me to Ann Arbor?”

Emma had opened and closed her mouth a few times in response, at a loss for what to say. 

Ultimately, she had turned on her heel and walked out of their room. She had shrugged on her jacket as she grabbed the leash to take Westley out for a walk. Behind her, Alyssa whispered fiercely, “I never knew you to walk away from a fight, Emma Nolan.”

Emma sighed, “I just . . . I need some air.” She clipped the leash onto Westley’s collar. “And he probably needs to go out, don’t you think?” Westley’s tail punctuated the air with a few soft wags. Sensing something wasn’t quite right, he did his best to tamp down his typical excitement for getting to explore outside and chase after the neighborhood squirrels. Alyssa shrugged one shoulder and motioned with her other arm towards the door in invitation for the dog and his owner to go ahead by all means.

Emma and Westley took the long way around the neighborhood, and by the time they’d gotten back, only the hall light shone against the darkness that blanketed the still house.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some scenes that I had been really looking forward to writing when planning this whole thing out, and a few of them are in this chapter. There's slightly more fluff this time around, enjoy. I would apologize for the delay, but tbh I don't have a schedule for when each installment will come out. I just promise I won't abandon it before it's done... after all, the final scene is ALSO one that I'm really excited about writing.

Emma did a few quick hops to get on her favorite pair of jeans. Standing in her jeans and just a bra she turned to look at herself in the full-length mirror hanging on the back of the bedroom door. Yup, the jeans still made her ass look good. Looking over her appearance, she noted how much she’d changed since being bullied as the only out gay kid in town. Several years ago, she’d chopped off most of her hair after finding a short hairstyle that really worked for her. The back and sides cut short, the top was longer with some of the blonde waves visible. Even though a shorter style, her hair could be styled a few different ways given the right hair product. Her skin tone, however, still made vampires look like they were tan by comparison. Check, double-check. She glanced over to the bed, where Alyssa was still sprawled out on her stomach oblivious to everything going on around her. After Emma had let Westley back in, he’d immediately gone to the bed, hopped up, twirled around a few times, and then lay down curling himself into the crook of Alyssa’s hip. Alyssa hadn’t so much as twitched.

Emma grabbed a V-neck tee from her drawer and knocked her glasses askew as she pulled it over her head. Straightening them as she walked to the closet, she then decided on one of her flannels from the closet. She completed the outfit with her trusty pair of chucks, OK, fine, one of her trusty pairs of chucks. Coordinating her footwear to match her outfits was not a crime, and yes, she absolutely did need seven pairs in blue. Each pair was a different shade of blue, after all. She’d had this discussion many times with Barry over the years, too many times probably, but lesbians have excellent fashion sense even if they weren’t a high femme and someday he would come to terms with that fact. Smiling at the thought of her dear “uncle,” she made a mental note to call him sometime this weekend. It had been too long since they’d last spoken.

When she went to close the closet door, a precaution to protect the remainder of her beloved footwear after the time she’d found puppy Westley happily chewing on her special order leopard print Chuck Taylors (he was lucky he was so cute), she spotted her suit hanging off to the side. Sliding her fingers along the soft wool of the jacket, she smiled thinking of the wedding.

Although her recollection actually started the week before because it had happened during that time three years ago when Alyssa was home from med school. After the water fight incident, they’d hung out almost every day. Well, hung out, as in Emma dropped in to make sure Alyssa was taking breaks from studying to do wild things like eating meals. Emma would come over and make sandwiches for lunch, or sometimes she’d cook dinner, which was mostly simple stuff like grilling chicken and vegetables, or making stir-fry. While she loved to watch cooking shows, the few disastrous times she’d try to make truly fancy food had kept her to her staples and the occasional take-out. The one exception was breakfast. Emma could make near anything for breakfast, which was why she was currently cracking eggs into a ceramic bowl in the Greene’s kitchen at 7:30 in the morning. She poured a dollop of milk, added a splash of vanilla, and then proceeded to whip the mixture together with a fork the way her grandmother had taught her when she was very young.

A few minutes later, Emma had a decent system going using the fork to scoop the bread into the batter and then onto the pan. She then snatched up the spatula to lift one corner of the slice currently cooking, but she decided it needed a few moments more before it was ready to join the others on the plate. Twirling the spatula between her fingers like a rockstar drummer, Emma grabbed a wooden spoon and started to play pretend drums for her “world-renowned” band as she waited for the final parts of breakfast to be ready. Just as she was moving through her drum solo and the imaginary crowd was going wild, she heard footsteps on the stairs, and Alyssa came around the corner.

“Mom, whatever you’re cooking smells delicio-oh!” Alyssa came to a stop halfway through the threshold to the kitchen. Raising an eyebrow at the antics she’d walked in on.

Emma had stopped mid solo and headbang, and while she’d been caught doing far stranger things, this was still pretty awkward. “Uh, hey. -- I mean, good morning! Your mom actually had to go to a showing.”

“Good morning, I probably should have known that, so you made French toast?” Stepping closer to examine the plate piled high with French toast, Alyssa exclaimed, “Oh, my god! You made cinnamon swirl French toast? I could just …”

Pausing and twirling back towards Emma, Alyssa grabbed her by the face and placed a loud smacking kiss on her cheek. She grinned. “Thank you.”

Dazed at the reception, Emma blinked a few times and then shook her head. Looking up she saw Alyssa watching her with an amused expression as she pulled at a slice of french toast and stuffed a small piece into her mouth. The way Alyssa’s eyes closed as she savored the bite, followed by her groan of delight, made Emma’s heart-rate trip over itself just as awkward and as hopeless as she was herself.

Emma persuaded Alyssa to sit at the table and brought the plate stacked with French toast over, as well as some bacon that had been cooking in the oven, and a bowl of freshly cut fruit. All the food was followed by a bottle of real maple syrup.

Alyssa’s eyes went wide as the bottle was placed on the table. “Bringing out the good stuff I see.”

“We have to make sure you have the proper fuel to power you through your marathon study sessions.”

Alyssa hummed in appreciation as she doused her slices in syrup. They proceeded to eat in pleasant silence until a mischievous look stole across Alyssa’s face. 

Emma fell for it and asked, “What?”

Alyssa let out a small laugh. “I was thinking you’re doing this backward.”

“Doing what backward?” Emma said, taking a sip of orange juice.

“I think you’re supposed to make the woman breakfast after.”

Again, Emma had not seen the joke coming, and genuinely surprised, she spit out part of her orange juice, the other part went down the wrong tube. She began coughing uncontrollably and had tears streaming from her eyes. “You’re evil,” she wheezed out when she could.

Alyssa chuckled lightly and shoved another forkful of French toast into her mouth. 

“Well, I wouldn’t be opposed to you making me breakfast again sometime is all I meant.” Alyssa winked at her.

“As you wish,” Emma responded.

Alyssa stopped mid spear at a slice of strawberry. She looked at Emma closely. “What?”

“What?”

“Did you mean that?”

“Mean what?” Emma asked thoroughly confused.

“‘As you wish,’ did you mean that?”

“I don’t think I know what you’re talking about.”

Alyssa looked askance at Emma. “Do you mean to tell me, we were together for three years and I never made you watch _The Princess Bride_?”

“No, never. More to the point though, Ms. Greene, we never finished watching any movie.”

Alyssa furrowed her brow. “Well, what about--”

“Nope. None. If you’ll recall, after we were publicly out it was time for finals, then the summer before college was spent mostly in shenanigans. When we would have the time to visit one another, we were the poster children for Netflix and chill.”

A smile threatened at the edges of Alyssa’s mouth. “Well, I certainly can’t argue with you there.” A few staggering heartbeats later as Emma tried not to recall some of those evenings with Alyssa, she saw the moment the idea struck as Alyssa’s face lit up and she sat up straighter. “But you should come back tonight!”

“What?” Emma wanted to give her heart and brain time to realize she’d misheard.

“We could watch it!”

Emma frowned slightly, glad she’d misunderstood. Really. “Don’t you have to study?”

“Yes, which is why I said you should come back later tonight. I’m due for a fun and relaxing evening, which will probably help me more in the long run than continually studying and worrying about how I’ll do.”

Emma raised her eyebrows at this. “I’m impressed, Alyssa Greene. I’m glad you’re able to find some balance.”

Alyssa shrugged slightly. Looking at Emma she smiled innocently. “Well, I certainly can’t become the best physician and surgeon I can be if I’m not managing my own mental and physical health, now can I?”

“Are you saying, you would have been just fine fending for yourself if I didn’t come over and make you food? You would have stopped on your own and eaten a proper meal?”

“But it tastes so much better when you make it,” Alyssa said, somehow making her eyes even more puppy dog-like. “Plus the company is nice.”

Emma shook her head and smiled. 

That night, as the final credits rolled by, Alyssa grinned looking to Emma to see if she enjoyed the movie only to see Emma wipe under her glasses. 

Melting a little, Alyssa asked, “Are you crying, Emma Nolan?”

“They’re all just too pure, OK. I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Expecting what?”

“Any of it,” Emma laughed. “It’s a charming fucking movie.”

“Did you have a favorite part?”

“Ugh, I couldn’t pick just one, but right now, I can’t get the bishop’s scene out of my head. ‘Wuv twue wuv.’” Emma started laughing again. 

Alyssa laughing along with her sitting up straighter adopting a mock-serious face. “Mawwage, mawwage is what gavers us togedder today.” The grin splits her face again, and then her eyes open wide as a thought comes to her. “Speaking of marriage…”

“Alyssa Greene, this is all very sudden,” Emma teased.

Alyssa smacked Emma’s arm. Emma rubbed her arm, wincing at the contact. “OK, ow.”

Alyssa looking skeptical raised one eyebrow at Emma. “As I was saying, speaking of marriage, Nick and Kaylee are getting married on Saturday.”

“They’re still together?” Emma asked in surprise.

Alyssa waved her hand in the air. “They’d been off and on for years, but they seem to have worked through their issues. They’ve both grown up a lot. They’re actually really sweet together now. Nick came back to help his stepdad run the auto-repair shop. Kaylee teaches kindergarten.”

“Good for them.” Emma was surprised to realize she meant the sentiment. Although most of her classmates had apologized for their bullying towards her throughout high school, and especially during the prom debacles, it wasn’t like they became friends after. She was happy enough to forgive and move on, occasionally hearing updates of people’s lives from her grandma.

Alyssa eyed Emma. “Look, I know there’s no love lost between you all after what happened in high school . . .” Alyssa trailed off, second-guessing herself.

“But . . .”

“But, I already responded for two thinking I would have a date, and now, I don’t. Because my ex wanted someone more flexible --” Emma made a choked laugh, impressed that Alyssa could joke about her recent break-up. Alyssa gave a slight smirk and continued. “Would you be my plus one, Emma Nolan?”

Emma puffed up her cheeks and blew out a long breath. Reaching behind her head to run her hand along the back of her neck while she thought about it. “I don’t know, Alyssa.”

Alyssa had a mischievous look with a wicked glint in her eyes. “It could be fun, you know. A little food, a little dancing, an opportunity to show the town you’re a well-adjusted adult.”

Emma laughed. “I think I’ve had enough of being a spectacle to last a thousand lifetimes.”

“Oh, we wouldn’t be a spectacle, at least not as much as Shelby and her new girlfriend.”

“Shelby has a girlfriend?”

Alyssa grinned, wiggling her eyebrows. “Yeah, and she’s a Colts cheerleader.”

“What? H-how did that happen?”

“She met her through her ex-boyfriend.” Alyssa paused and smiled at what she was about to say. “He’s a wide receiver for the Colts.” 

Alyssa laughed at Emma’s dumbfounded expression. Emma looked at Alyssa suspiciously. “I don’t believe you. That sounds fake.” 

Alyssa laughed some more but put her hand over her heart. “I swear it’s true.” Calming down she explained, “The football player introduced them when the cheerleader, Brooke, was talking about needing a foreign language credit for her business degree. He offered to introduce her to his girlfriend who is a professor in Spanish language literature to see about recommendations, and well, Shelby was a big help.”

“You know,” Emma said, reaching up to move a curl that had fallen loose from Alyssa’s messy bun to behind her ear. She leaned in closely to whisper in the opposite ear. Her breath tickling the side of Alyssa’s face. “You don’t have to make up stories to get me to go out with you.”

Alyssa narrowed her eyes when Emma pulled back, trying to hide the effect Emma’s nearness had caused. “Is that a yes?”

“That’s a depends on when it is, my dance card is very full these days.”

“So full that you’re here nearly every day, or even multiple times a day, making sure I eat and take breaks?” Alyssa again raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“What can I say? Although I’m popular that doesn’t mean I’m not concerned about your well-being.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes. “Forget I asked.”

Emma pulled up to the Greene’s promptly at 12:30 pm on Saturday. After stepping out of her pick-up, a newer pre-owned model than the one she’d driven in high school, Emma pulled down on the vest of her three-piece suit. She’d gotten the suit when she’d stood up for Barry at his wedding. He’d taken her to an LGBTQ+ focused tailor shop in Brooklyn, and she’d never felt more herself than she did in this suit that neither emphasized or hid her curves. There was something about the lines that allowed her to feel perfectly herself, the gender binary be damned. 

Today she wore her white button-down with the first few buttons left undone, under the suit. The vest, slacks, and jacket were all the same deep shade of blue that was somewhere between aqua and navy. She swapped her trademark converse for brown polished leather shoes and a matching belt.

Fixing her pocket square, she rounded the truck to see Alyssa stepping out of the house. Wow.

Alyssa stopped short, an amused look on her face. “Is that a good ‘Wow’ or a bad ‘Wow?’”

_Shit,_ Emma hadn’t realized she’d said it out loud. “Definitely a good wow. You look stunning, Alyssa.” And she did. Alyssa had done her hair in a sophisticated updo. Her dress was a dark plum that subtly shifted shades depending on the lighting. A halter style with a deep V-cut in the front, the dress flared out slightly at the hips and ended brushing at the top of Alyssa’s calves. She could have been a stand-in for Lena Horne. She could have stepped right off the silver screen of _Stormy Weather,_ and into Emma’s dreams. But, Emma wasn’t dreaming this time. Alyssa was really here, looking at her with such joyous enthusiasm. Emma grinned back.

“Shall we?”

“Oh, let’s,” Alyssa responded, her own grin growing wider. Then she frowned. “Wait, the back of your collar is out.” She took the few final steps towards Emma. Reaching out to fix the collar, shifting Emma’s blazer, dusting off the shoulders, and smoothing her hands down the lapels. “This is nice,” Alyssa said finally, her voice a few octaves lower than moments before.

Emma visibly swallowed. “Thank you, I wore it for Barry and Theo’s wedding.”

Alyssa took a slight step back, and Emma immediately missed the nearness. “I’m sure it was a lovely ceremony. We should get going, don’t you think?”

“Alyssa, I --.”

“Emma, it’s alright. We really should go, even though Kaylee will probably be late to her own wedding.”

Emma opened the passenger door to her truck and reached out offering her hand to Alyssa to help her up into the cab of the truck. 

They drove in what Emma hoped was a comfortable silence to the wedding ceremony, but she couldn’t be sure. These past few weeks really felt like no time at all had passed between them, but on the other hand, it was also like they were meeting each other for the first time. They were getting to know who the other was as an adult, but there was little pressure because they’d already seen each other in some of their worst moments. They’d each gone to therapy in the intervening years, which had helped, too. Despite all their conversations over the past few weeks, there were still some topics they hadn’t spoken about, and Emma wondered if those issues would surface unexpectedly.

The wedding ceremony was held in a church, and Emma being an incorrigible gay cracked joke after joke about buses, flames, hell, lightning strikes, but it wasn't until she mimed getting her hands burned from touching the pew that Alyssa finally snorted a laugh. She, also, promptly smacked Emma’s arm, and gave her The Look that teachers and parents of all stripes used to communicate the message, “Behave or else.” Emma for her part, stopped, except to rub at her arm, which caused a small smile to lift the corner of Alyssa's mouth. 

The ceremony was lovely if a bit straight-laced. Emma even found herself feeling emotional, but not to the point of her date, who had started crying the moment she turned to see the look on Nick’s face once Kaylee started walking down the aisle and pretty much didn't stop the whole way through. A string quartet had done a beautiful rendition of “Canon in D,” for the walk down the aisle, as the congregation got up to turn to look towards the rear of the building. Emma had mentally rolled her eyes at the song choice. Did straight people have even a single creative thought in their heads when it came to weddings? If this was the ceremony, then she could almost guarantee what each song was going to be on the DJ’s song list at the reception. 

Regardless, the ceremony was lovely. Shelby had done a great job as the Maid of Honor, as far as Emma could tell. Her duties with regard to being Barry’s Best Person hadn’t been as demanding as this all seemed to be— of course, she’d gotten step-by-step instructions from DeeDee, who had been the officiant. Alyssa dabbed at her eyes with a tissue as they followed everyone down the aisle and back out to Emma’s truck.

The day was gorgeous, low 70s, sunny blue skies dotted here and there with a cloud. As some of the wedding guests were milling around outside, Emma and Alyssa found Trent and chatted with him for a bit. Well, he chatted, and they nodded their heads politely. They were rescued by a tall brunette woman in a green dress, who exclaimed, “Alyssa! How are you?”

The woman in the green dress turned out to be Shelby’s girlfriend and the Colts cheerleader Brooke. Alyssa made introductions, and they all decided to head to a bar on the way to the reception since it would be a few hours while the wedding party was doing photos. Somehow, they ended up being a larger party than Emma had initially thought, mostly because Kevin overheard them and had invited some of Nick and Kaylee’s college friends. 

When they finally made their way to the reception, Emma ended up allowing Kevin and a few of the other boys to ride in the back of the truck, so that they weren’t driving —even though no one had too much to drink yet. She made Kevin promise to remain seated at all times, he made a snarky response under his breath about “yes, mom,” but ultimately conceded after Emma stared him down. Brooke took the passenger seat, while Alyssa took the middle of the bench seat between two dates of the guys in the back. She was directly in the rearview mirror, and as Emma backed up the truck she wondered if Alyssa had done it on purpose —as if she weren’t already distracted with Kevin and the other guys hollering at passing cars in the back of the truck.

Emma missed the turn because of the truck bed shenanigans, and not because she was staring at Alyssa through the rearview mirror. Besides the turn was a single-lane dirt road beyond someone’s driveway in the middle of nowhere across the street from the lake. When they finally pulled into the reception venue, Emma took back all the thoughts she’d had about redneck weddings after missing the single-lane dirt road because the location was beautiful. There was a modern fence built between the house and the venue, which was a small clearing surrounded by towering pine trees. There was a grassy area with lawn games like corn hole, and then beyond that was a large tent erected above a manmade wooden platform, basically an enormous beautiful deck with open sides. Lights were strung everywhere, looping up from the edges of the tent to the two large poles keeping it raised, strung between trees, wrapped around smaller trees along the fenceline. Even though there was still daylight, Emma could tell that everything would look magical as night fell. 

There was a smaller deck off to the side with a bar, and that smaller deck connected to an upper level that led to what looked like a tiny home. However, instead of a hipster couple a year or two away from divorce, the tiny structure held two bathrooms, and a kitchenette for the caterers. The catering staff in all black were circling with hor’s devours, and people were lining up to get drinks. Emma walked over and asked the bartender for a malbec or cabernet, the bartender winked as she handed the wine glass to Emma. Emma just smiled politely, but inwardly chuckled at all the guys who had been trying to flirt with the woman serving their drinks. This could prove to be an interesting night.

After some searching, Emma found Alyssa chatting with somebody’s parents from high school that Emma couldn’t place. However, she nodded politely as she handed off the glass to Alyssa. Alyssa smiled gratefully at Emma and used the opportunity to excuse herself from the conversation. Slipping her hand into Emma’s she steered them off to a seating area that looked to surround a fire pit. Emma marveled at the quaint charm of this place so close to her hometown.

“Thank you for getting me a drink,” Alyssa said, still holding on to Emma’s hand. After taking a sip of the wine, she asked why Emma hadn’t gotten herself one.

“I haven’t been much of a drinker since college.”

“Not that you were much of a drinker in college.”

Emma shrugged. It was true.

Alyssa finally dropped Emma’s hand and gave a little twirl. “Isn’t this place gorgeous?”

“Yeah, who would have known Edgewater, Indiana could hold such beauty. Other than you, of course.”

Alyssa made a gagging motion.

Emma smiled. “Is the wine that bad?”

Alyssa rolled her eyes and was about to say something when the DJ called everyone to their seats at the tables under the tent. The tables were large wooden farmhouse tables with mismatched antique chairs, and the table settings were all different types of plates with vintage patterns adding to the eclectic vibe. Finishing off the decorations were branches of greenery adorning the middle of the tables and glass-encased tea lights flickering slowly in the soft breezes as the evening drew nearer. 

The DJ announced the wedding party, and each of the attendants and their escorts had concocted some silly dance move as they made their way into the tent. Finally, the DJ announced the newly married couple Kaylee and Nick, who walked in together both wearing Ray-Bans to the Imperial March from Star Wars. Emma had to admit that was pretty original and funny.

The caterers started calling tables one by one, first the wedding party table, and given their location Emma didn’t think they’d be called up for some time. Alyssa shifted closer to Emma to talk Brooke, who’d been seated with them since her date was stilling fulfilling her MOH duties. Emma was content to mostly listen to their conversation, while half her mind was focused on Alyssa’s proximity and the few times their thighs brushed against one another. She was starting to get dizzy and decided to get a Sprite or something since they wouldn’t be eating for at least 15 minutes. She offered to get drinks for anyone else at their table, but Kevin had grabbed two for himself while he was up there, and everyone else seemed good as well.

As she walked over to the bar, a cool breeze played with her hair, slightly mussing the top. She messed with it further by putting her hand through her hair and trying to figure out what exactly she was doing there. Even more to the point, she wondered, what was she doing there with Alyssa? Everyone knows you shouldn’t enter a land war in Asia, and only slightly less well known is a lesbian shouldn’t go to a wedding with her ex when her heart is on the line.

The bartender made a joke about Emma’s hair and how early in the night to have the disheveled look. When Emma went to try to smooth her hair back into place, somewhat, the bartender commented that she liked it and the messy look suited Emma. She winked again as she went to pour the sprite for her. Emma jumped slightly as she felt a hand slide under her jacket and along her lower back. 

“Are you ready, babe? I think our table is up next.” Alyssa said with a smile aimed in the direction of the bartender, a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes until she turned to Emma. Emma nodded and thanked the bartender for the sprite as they turned to walk back to the table. She forced herself not to think about what just passed between Alyssa and the bartender. Alyssa wasn’t jealous.

The food looked delicious. BBQ chicken and brisket, local favorites, and some vegetarian options too. Emma was impressed by the variety of food available and the salad with greens, pears, walnuts, and crumbly cheese, maybe goat or feta looked fantastic. Everyone was quiet while digging into the food, but then conversation slowly picked up again. Brooke and Emma were chatting a bit about college, and how Brooke was finding her classes, and also how she was feeling about being a non-traditional student. 

Brooke responded about how there were certainly challenges, but she definitely appreciated the education more now being a bit older than when she had dropped out her Freshman year to become a dancer in Vegas. “Besides,” she said bumping shoulders with Shelby, “I have someone who’s in my corner this time around.” They looked at each other with the goofiest grins on their faces to the point where Emma wasn’t sure if the conversation was over, but Brooke turned back to her and asked about what she did for a living.

“I’m a sound engineer,” Emma said simply. 

“She’s being modest,” Alyssa chimed in. “She also does video editing. AND, she worked on that documentary making the film festival rounds not too long ago about the families going bankrupt or paying for healthcare through gofundme campaigns.”

Emma looked surprised. She hadn’t actually spoken about the documentary during their time together. How on earth had Alyssa kept tabs on Emma’s work, especially an obscure indie project like that? Regardless, Brooke looked impressed.

Shelby jumped into the conversation at this point, too. “Alyssa, c’mon, she’s always been modest. She wouldn’t even take full credit for changing the minds and hearts of Edgewater, Indiana. You know, Emma, I use you as a modern example for my 400 level class.” Emma looked a little shocked and a little embarrassed to be the center of attention. “Your boundless optimism and hopefulness, your pursuit of the good in people is a great way for me to teach _Don Quixote._ Not a perfect analogy, after all, Barry Glickman as Sancho Panza, eh, but your unwavering pursuit of what’s good and what’s right in the face of insurmountable obstacles? Well it really brings the concepts of the novel home for my students. Of course, there was the one semester where a little shit took it upon himself to google the incident, and I lost all control of that class for the rest of the week. All I did was field questions about what happened, especially when during the next class they found your YouTube video.” Shelby shook her head ruefully. “Every class for the rest of the semester they played that song as I walked in. Every. Damn. Class.”

Emma didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what to feel. She was seconds from running away when she felt Alyssa’s hand squeeze her thigh.

Alyssa laughed. “What goes around comes around, Shelby. It’s what you deserve for being such a shit back then.”

Shelby laughed, too. “You’re probably right. Sorry if I embarrassed you just now, Nolan. I just … I wanted you to know you’re still one of the bravest and strongest people I’ve ever met. You’re still inspiring kids, even to this day. Anyway, now I have to go embarrass Kaylee in front of all her family and friends.” She gave Brooke a quick kiss and stood up to walk over towards the DJ.

Emma didn’t hear any of the speeches, although it seemed like Shelby had a good mix of heartwarming and funny anecdotes from the people crying and laughing in turns around her. Emma could only focus on two things at the moment, Alyssa’s hand on her thigh and her thumb rubbing small comforting circles. When the speeches were over, Alyssa leaned in and asked if Emma wanted water. Emma nodded slightly. Alyssa gave Emma’s leg one last squeeze before heading to the bar.

Feeling warm, Emma took off her jacket and hung it on the back of her seat. She then undid the buttons on the cuff of her shirt and rolled the sleeves up to her elbows. Emma watched as people made their way to the dance floor while the DJ started playing some older songs. Focused on the irony of conservative Edgewater folks dancing to Dusty Springfield, she jumped when she felt something ice cold against her forearm. Alyssa was back with her water. “Care to show them how it’s done?”

Emma considered Alyssa’s offer, but the DJ was already transitioning the song to “Shout,” and Emma shook her head. Alyssa shrugged good-naturedly and made her way onto the dance floor towards Brooke and Shelby who were motioning towards them. Emma was content to watch. She knew she would eventually cave to Alyssa’s request for a dance. She could never say, “No,” to her for long, especially when it came to dancing. But, for now, Emma enjoyed witnessing the pure elation Alyssa had when she was out on the dance floor. 

After a few song changes, Alyssa came back over to see if Emma would join them. Emma shook her head, saying she just wasn't feeling any of the songs yet. Alyssa rolled her eyes but danced her way back to her friends. Emma got up and made her way over to the DJ handing him a piece of paper out of Alyssa’s sightline and had a brief conversation with him. She went and got another water, as she made her way back to the larger tent the song switched again to a drum and synthesizer intro. Alyssa’s head snapped up and she immediately sought out Emma in the crowd.

Emma walked into the tent and towards the dancefloor. Alyssa moved towards Emma, her movements as fluid as a panther stalking her prey. Her eyes hadn’t left Emma’s once they had locked gazes. When she reached Emma, she unceremoniously grabbed the front of Emma’s vest, still not breaking her gaze, and she began walking back towards the floor, pulling Emma with her. By the time they’d made it into the middle of the dance floor, the trumpets had come in to join the drums and synthesizer, and then Whitney Houston started singing about wanting to dance with somebody.

While Emma still felt awkward about her dancing, she’d grown to enjoy it. She’d also improved somewhat over the years with occasional instruction from Angie. Having to learn the choreography for Barry and Theo’s reception had forced her to take some actual dance classes while in Chicago, too. Barry's reception dance was the longest dance of her life, and the medley Barry and Angie had put together was exhausting. She was pretty sure that even professional ballet dancers didn’t have to perform for over twenty minutes without a break, but it had turned out spectacularly, and Theo had seemed particularly touched by the gesture.

Of course, here she was dancing with professional dancers yet again. Honestly, she couldn’t believe some of the moves Brooke and Shelby were pulling earlier. She tried not to focus on that now, though, not when Alyssa had the biggest grin on her face as they danced to one of her favorite songs. By the end of the song they were laughing and out of breath, Emma had dipped and twirled Alyssa a few times, but on the last one, she’d nearly crashed them both into a nearby group of somebody’s relatives. 

The next song opened with an electric guitar riff. Alyssa looked at Emma as if she was trying to puzzle something out, but she quickly gave up the infectious beat getting to her. Alyssa started singing the lyrics to Emma. “Don’t you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me. I said, ‘You’re holding back.’ She said, ‘Shut up and dance with me!’” They both pulled the best eighties dance moves they could think of, which were mostly hilarious and awful, but they like everyone on the dance floor were having fun dancing and singing to Walk the Moon’s hit song. 

It wasn’t until the next song came on with Shakira singing about hips not lying, that Alyssa caught on. She laughed and pulled Emma closer so she could be heard above the music, “Did you request a bunch of songs with ‘dance’ in the lyrics?”

Emma all innocence replied, “You did want me to dance with you, right?”

Alyssa laughed again and nodded. She wrapped her arms around Emma’s neck keeping her close. She began dancing, emphasizing her hips just like Shakira instructed. Wherein Emma realized the fatal flaw in her plan to play such an extended joke, she swallowed as Alyssa moved against her. Emma placed one hand on Alyssa’s lower back. She did her best to keep up with Alyssa and tried not to think too hard about the reaction Alyssa’s proximity and movements were having on her autonomic nervous system.

The next few songs were JLo’s “On the Floor” featuring Pitbull, “Party in the USA,” Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself,” the Boss’ “Dancing in the Dark,” and finally “Footloose.” With each new song, Alyssa laughed in delight. She would pull Emma close or give them each space to dance with the rest of the crew, everyone enjoying the nostalgia, and change of pace from typical wedding reception fare. When the DJ turned on “Loveshack” and the older generations now inebriated streamed towards the floor, Emma took it as a sign to take a break.

Alyssa followed her over, stealing a drink from her water bottle before Emma could even bring it to her own lips. Emma took a sip once Alyssa was done. Alyssa asked if she wanted to go for a walk. The sun had long since set, and the place did look magical with the lights strung up everywhere, the fire blazing around the corner of a copse of trees off to the side, and massive citronella candles along the perimeter staked into the ground kept the mosquitos at bay.

Emma lifted her jacket off the back of the chair and carefully folded it onto her arm. She offered her other arm to Alyssa who slid her hand inside Emma’s elbow, leaning slightly against her side as they walked down the short steps to the grass. They both looked up marveling at the sky full of stars. Being out in the middle of nowhere had its perks. After a few minutes, Alyssa shivered slightly, and Emma draped her coat around Alyssa’s shoulders.

They made their way over towards the fire pit where a group of Nick’s friends from college had just gotten up to head towards the bar or the bathrooms, or maybe both. As they stood by the fire, Emma observed the way the flickering light played across the planes of Alyssa’s face. Alyssa pulled Emma’s coat tighter around her and took a small step closer to the fire. They could still hear the music and a terrible dance beat compilation that was probably the DJ's own mix. They stood in silence for a few minutes, both lost in thought and the comfort of the fire, and the stars dotting the night sky. The music switched and slow cords began playing on a piano. Then the singer, a woman, came in, “Wise men say, only fools rush in…” it wasn’t the Elvis version, the musical arrangement was slightly more modern, but it was nice. Emma held out her hand for Alyssa. Alyssa automatically slipped her hand into Emma’s, and with the slightest pull was in her arms.

Alyssa slid her right hand, up from Emma’s bicep where it had landed and moved it to rest above Emma’s chest in the opening of her shirt. Suddenly Emma found she was far too warm, the cool night air doing nothing to quell the heat coursing through her body. She shifted their steps away from the fire, but it didn’t cool her down any. Heat and electricity radiated out from where Alyssa’s hand rested. 

Alyssa searched Emma’s hazel eyes. “What is this? What are we?”

Emma was having trouble thinking. She gently grabbed Alyssa’s hand, the distracting one, although the other hand was certainly working on earning that honor carding through the hair at the back of Emma’s head. She moved Alyssa’s hand from above her breast over towards her shoulder, now with her vest and shirt acting as a buffer, and just loosely held Alyssa’s hand there as they continued dancing. 

She kissed Alyssa’s temple. “Honestly, I don’t know.” She paused. “What I do know is that you have another year of medical school, and probably zero time to worry about rekindling a relationship with your high school sweetheart. While my life is very much up in the air right now.” 

Alyssa nodded somberly.

“But,” Emma continued, and Alyssa looked up into her eyes again. Emma fell into Alyssa’s dark gaze, a lonely sailor steering towards the siren call. “I also know that from the moment I saw you again at your mother’s, there wasn’t any place I would rather be than by your side. I’ve dated since we -- since sophomore year, and I was unfair to every single woman I even attempted to date…” Emma let out a breath. “Because none of them were you.” God, that sounded inelegant. Nice going, Nolan. Emma mentally chastised herself.

Alyssa moved her hands to either side of Emma’s face, looking questioningly into Emma’s gaze. Finding the answer she was seeking, she tilted her head slightly and moved her face towards Emma’s pausing just a whisper from her lips, waiting. 

Emma nodded almost imperceptibly, Alyssa pulled back slightly to look at Emma again. Emma nodded fully this time, and Alyssa leaned in and kissed her. The kiss was soft, achingly sweet, and slow. The tenderness of the kiss made Emma’s heart melt. It also made her want so much, but she let Alyssa set the pace. Slow tender strokes of Alyssa’s tongue intertwining with Emma’s causing her to whimper slightly. Alyssa pulled back and rested their foreheads together.

“I’d forgotten what kissing you does to me,” whispered Alyssa. Emma just barely heard her over the music, which had changed some time ago to a pop song with thumping bass, but Emma pulled Alyssa’s hand back towards her shoulder, holding it there, resting her cheek on Alyssa’s and continued their slow dance.

A few gentle touches on her leg brought Emma back to the present. She didn’t know how long she’d been standing in the kitchen with Westley’s bowl in one hand and a bag of his food in the other, but it must have been more than a few minutes at the way he was softly whining.

“I’m sorry, papas. Here you go.” Emma poured a cup and a half of his food for him. As she set down the bowl, she moved to ruffle his head, but he ducked out of reach and went for his food instead. As he softly crunched his food, Emma chuckled. She’d never known a dog of his size to eat so gently. “I was just lost in thought. Good thing you’re so patient.”

But how patient would Alyssa be with her? Emma didn’t know why all these memories were flooding her mind this morning, or maybe she did know and was ignoring the reason. Honestly, it wasn’t the arguments themselves that scared her about where she was in her relationship with Alyssa. It was the moments when they argued and she walked away not feeling anything. At least, for the most part when they argued there was still a sense of heat and passion between them, she still knew then her ultimate goal was fighting for them. When she could turn off those feelings, when she felt numb, those were the moments that scared her, that caused her to question, that allowed doubt to sneak in and take up residence in the cobwebbed corners of her mind. 

Emma scrubbed her face with her hands and turned back to fill up Westley’s water dish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment and let me know what you think. Also, there was slightly more fluff because next time we learn a bit about why they broke up in college (and by "a bit" I mean a lot, and it's tough stuff). This chapter came along slower because I originally started writing a different chapter and then realized I needed to rearrange things a bit to make things make sense... juggling multiple timelines? I don't know her.
> 
> **Also, also, if it matters to anyone the version I was thinking of for "Can't Help Falling in Love" is by Ingrid Michaelson.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW -- references to anxiety attacks
> 
> This chapter had been getting out of hand with the amount of time it took me to write one small part of it, so rather than futz around with it anymore. I'm posting it, and I'll post the next section as a shorter chapter soon.

Emma reached up to grab a mug from the cupboard having just put the teakettle on the burner. She selected a green tea with spearmint and placed the tea bag in the mug. Leaning with her back against the counter as she waited for the water to heat up, Emma thought back to sophomore year of college. Emma was visiting Alyssa at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. Alyssa for her part, who had been so afraid of what would happen if she came out publicly in high school, had been out and proud in college since Freshman Orientation when she wore her “Nobody Knows I’m a Lesbian” shirt that Shelby had gotten her as a gag gift for graduation. The same shirt she was wearing as she tried to cajole Emma into going to a department party.

“Which department is this anyway, Madame Dual-Degree?” asked Emma.

Alyssa rolled her eyes, stating archly, “Biology, somehow I don’t think I’d have to be as persuasive to get you to go to an English Lit party.”

“True. Yes, of course, I’ll go… especially if you’re going to wear that grey pencil skirt and sapphire blue top I saw hanging in your closet,” Emma wiggled her eyebrows in an exaggerated fashion, like a dork.

“You’re such a dork.”

“Yeah, but I’m your dork.”

“Don’t you forget it.” Alyssa leaned in to kiss Emma softly on the lips. 

Before she could pull away, Emma brought her hand to the back of Alyssa’s head, deepening the kiss. Alyssa gasped at the increased intensity but did her best to match Emma’s fervor. Emma started to walk back towards the bed bringing Alyssa with her. However, having misjudged the distance, the bed became less their destination and more like a tripping hazard. Emma emitted a squawk of surprise, and Alyssa let out a yelp as they both tumbled onto the floor. Laughing, Alyssa kissed the tip of Emma’s nose, as she extricated herself from the tangle of limbs and blankets. Emma let out a soft huff of breath in protest.

Alyssa gave her a knowing look. “Don’t pout. If that had continued, we’d never make it to the department happy hour. This is really important to me. They’re bringing in alumni, and I don’t know when I’ll get a chance like this to talk one-on-one with them.”

“I know, I know, you’re right. Go get ready. I will put on the fanciest pants I have, and try my best to be the most charming lesbian there.”

“Thank you,” Alyssa said softly, grabbing her make-up bag and ducking out towards the bathroom. She poked her head back in her bedroom, “But we both know, I’m going to be the most charming lesbian there.”

Emma stuck out her tongue at Alyssa. Alyssa made a face back and then ducked back out.

Twenty minutes later, as they’re walking hand in hand across campus, Emma took an appraising look up and down of the woman next to her. Alyssa had left her hair down, her normally curly hair straightened as it had been for the day and reaching to her shoulder blades. She looked professional in a grey wool coat, heels, and the pencil skirt. She looked like a librarian. She looked like a professional sexy librarian, Emma suddenly began choking on air, willing her mind not to continue down that path.

A concerned look crossed Alyssa’s features. “Are you alright?”

“Yup, uh-huh, yep,” Emma responded, hoarsely, “I just need a glass of water when we get inside. Speaking of, did we suddenly travel through the wardrobe to Hogwarts? What is this place?”

“OK, first of all, I know you mix up fandoms on purpose just to mess with me, and it’s not as cute as you think. Secondly, yes, this is the Michigan League, just wait until we get inside it looks even more like Hogwarts.” At that, Alyssa tugged on Emma’s arm pulling her towards the heavy wooden door. Large stone tiles lined the floor of the entryway. They walked up a stairway to their left, and into a room covered in warm wood paneling, leaded glass windows soared up to meet tray ceilings, and the wait staff looked like they’d stepped out of a film from the 1930s. 

They stowed their jackets at a nearby coat rack, Emma was mildly amused given the decadent setting that there wasn’t a coat check room. Alyssa made her way with Emma in tow over to a woman in her early fifties with light-brown skin, dark hair cut in a short bob, thin wireframe glasses, and she was wearing a black sheath dress. She projected the image of a woman who had no time for nonsense. However, upon seeing Alyssa approach, the severity of the woman’s appearance was broken by a wide smile.

“Ms. Greene,” she greeted warmly.

“Dr. McCormack, I’d like to introduce you to my girlfriend, Emma Nolan. Emma this is one of my mentors, Dr. McCormack. It’s her experiment I’ve been working on about heavy metal toxicity.”

Emma smiled at Dr. McCormack, and reached out her hand to shake the professor’s. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dr. McCormack. Alyssa has been so excited to work on your project.”

“Nice to meet you as well, Emma. What are you studying?”

“Audio and video production.”

“Broadcasting?” Dr. McCormack looked curious.

“In a sense,” Emma replied. “I want to work on the production side, though. Largely sound engineering.”

At that, Dr. McCormack raised her eyebrows slightly. “Impressive. That sounds like a very practical career path, especially given the constant changes in technology and with web videos becoming more prominent and podcasts as an emerging communication platform, and who knows what else on the horizon.”

Alyssa smiled at the exchange, thrilled that two people she respected so highly were hitting it off so well.

As the evening wore on, Emma began to notice something. She would find herself in small groups of students or talking to a professor, and although many of the folks she spoke with were similar to Dr. McCormack and showed interest in her as a person, there were a few instances when that wasn’t the case. There were times when she mentioned her career aspirations or the fact that she was currently attending the community college near Edgewater, and the person she was talking to would either lose interest or worse would assume the most patronizing tone as the conversation continued. Fortunately, Alyssa was off meeting prestigious alumni. Even though Alyssa was determined to become a doctor, Dr. McCormack was trying to convince her to consider research instead, or perhaps becoming a physician-researcher. As a result, for every physician she introduced Alyssa to, there were two researchers she would also bring into the conversation.

Emma didn’t want to be the one to inform Alyssa that her department had a few assholes. She was sure the folks she’d spoken with didn’t really represent the values of the biology department or even students in the pre-med program, but after speaking with more than a few Emma was thoroughly demoralized.

She knew going to community college for her first two years was the right move. She never wanted to be in a position where someone held financial sway over her life. She didn’t want to be in a position she couldn’t walk away from ever again. Her parents' financial situation had actually messed up her FAFSA when she was applying to schools and for financial aid. She was too close to her 18th birthday to get emancipated, but during that time was when she also needed to find funding for her education. Even though she’d been living with her grandma, her parents had still managed to claim her on their taxes. Basically, they’d screwed her over. As if throwing your teen daughter out of the house wasn’t scarring enough, they fucked up any chance she had at getting scholarships based on financial need.

While being a viral internet sensation had its perks, tuition support wasn’t one of them. Of course, Barry and the rest of the Broadway crew had offered to help out however they could, but they’d already been so generous, she could never have repaid their generosity from prom… let alone the amount she needed for school. She also vetoed their offer of a benefit concert on her behalf. She’d suffered enough embarrassment from their help as it was, but she was forever grateful for their unending love and support.

Emma had also refused to allow her grandmother to dip into her retirement savings to pay for college. Her grandma Betsy was too close to retirement, and Emma just wouldn’t be able to live with herself if her grandmother did all that, after being such an ardent and loving supporter of hers, and opening her home to Emma. No, she would figure something else out.

Emma had gotten some scholarships based on academic merit, and also, she’d received scholarships for her entrance essay referencing her ordeal with her parents, the senior prom, and her determination to bring light into a dark situation. None of it was enough to cover the full cost, and even cobbling together different scholarships, she wouldn’t have been able to live away from home. She’d been panicked trying to think of what she could do, and without experience or a college degree, she was quickly finding there wasn’t much she actually could do.

Finally, one day she’d come to the realization she needed an alternate plan than going to a four-year college. She came to the conclusion that she would stay home at her grandmother’s. She would attend the community college not far from Edgewater. She would get a job, probably food service or retail, and she would save for her eventual transfer to Indiana State. 

It was a good plan. It would work. She’d walk away with a degree and very little student loan debt. She wouldn’t owe anyone other than a small amount to Uncle Sam.

She knew the students who’d talked down to her were just privileged jerks, and she knew she shouldn’t let the things they said get to her. After all, it was the same high school mentality all over again. Somehow though, they’d broken through her equanimity that night. Doubts started to seep in, too, about Alyssa and what was in her best interest. Maybe Alyssa would be better off with someone who was also at a fancy school, a public university on par with the ivy leagues rather than attending Ivy Tech Community College in Indiana.

Walking back to the dorm Emma was quiet. Mulling over everything from the night, and really the past few years. How could they keep this up, traveling back and forth? Even when Emma transferred to Indiana State, she wouldn’t be any closer, in fact she’d be further away. What were they doing anymore?

Alyssa spoke excitedly beside Emma, going on about some of the doctors she met this evening, and how one offered to meet her for coffee.

“And she just said, ‘Yes.’ Just like that, she said, ‘Yes, let’s meet up some time. Here’s my card.’ Unbelievable. I’m a sophomore, who just gives their fancy physician business cards to a sophomore and offers to talk about medical school and careers? It’s so wild, you know? One minute you’re a college kid, and the next thing you know you’re talking to someone about your career and they believe in you and… Emma?” Alyssa stopped walking.

Emma mumbled a response having not actually been paying close attention, which is why she’d continued walking a few paces before realizing Alyssa wasn’t beside her anymore.

Emma turned around. “What’s going on? Why’d you stop?”

“Me what’s going on?” Alyssa said pointing to herself. “What about you what’s going on?”

“What? Nothing, I was just listening to you.”

“No, you weren’t.”

“Alyssa… I ...can’t we just go back to your apartment?”

“Sure, but I’m still going to ask about what’s going on with you when we get there.”

Emma ran her hand through her hair, ruffling it. Emma turned away slightly. “Look, it’s just, sometimes it’s hard to come visit you.”

Alyssa felt a molten ball of lead forming in her stomach, a weight pulling at her intestines. Her face must have reflected her inner turmoil because when Emma turned around and saw her a look of panic crossed Emma’s face.

“No, wait! Shit! That’s not what I meant.” Emma walked towards Alyssa, but Alyssa took a few steps back. 

Dully, Alyssa responded, “So what did you mean?”

“I meant, fuck! I meant, it’s hard being here, at Michigan, where everyone, well not everyone, but a lot of people have a different Canada Goosedown coat for each day of the week, and a limitless stock of air pods because they leave them everywhere. Where I overheard some guy say he’d overspent his weekly allowance by Wednesday. Do you know how much his allowance is?”

Alyssa just looked at Emma.

“One-thousand dollars. ONE. THOUSAND. Who spends that much in three days? Do you know how much that guy makes in a year? He makes 52,000 a year, plus tuition, plus room and fucking board. For doing jack shit. Fuck. Alyssa. It’s just a lot! And then I go with you to this department thing, and this other guy has the gall to say…” Emma trails off, her hand hanging in the air where it had been gesticulating in the general direction of the Michigan League, but all the air had run out of her argument, and she felt deflated, exhausted.

“Has the gall to say, what, Emma? What exactly do you think this guy has told you that I haven’t heard all semester? That I didn’t hear from day one?” Alyssa’s previously animated face had turned stony. “Do you think I’m oblivious to the privilege all around us? I’m here on scholarships. I’m here on my own fucking merit because I worked hard in high school. Yes, my mom pushed me way too hard, but I’m the one that did the work. I’m the one that put in the time on the debate team, student council, and fucking cheerleading. How much money do you think a single parent is able to put away for college when even two-parent households struggle to make ends meet? Let alone save for the future?” Alyssa had started pacing as she spoke, losing sight of Emma. She stopped after becoming aware of their surroundings again, Alyssa turned back to Emma. She took a few steps and reached out to hold Emma’s forearms. Catching Emma’s eyes, Alyssa continued in a softer tone. “I get it. You were thrown out at 16. You had parents who totally fucked you over as far as school’s go, and left you in a major lurch financially. And it totally sucks, of course, it sucks, but even if these people didn’t walk around with their status symbols like some ornate medieval codpiece, they would still have the money. It wouldn’t change. So are you mad that they have this unearned wealth? Or are you just mad that they’re showing it off? Because I can’t change any of that. I can’t.

And don’t you think I worry, too? Don’t you think I worry that you’re going to hold it against me all the time you spend driving up here? Missing another weekend of work?” Alyssa pauses, hesitating to say what she’s about to, taking a deep breath, she continues. “Don’t you think I worry that you won’t be able to trust me to stand beside you, after everything I put you through with prom? Like what if you find someone braver than me? Someone making their way in the world on their own, like you’re doing? Don’t you think I worry that I just won’t ever measure up?” 

The cresting wave of guilt finally crashed over Emma, forcing her to take a step back, the weight of everything she’d just said and pushed onto Alyssa sluicing around her feet. Alyssa. Alyssa who was now starting to breathe more heavily. Recognizing the oncoming panic attack, Emma quickly stepped up to her girlfriend (god, she hoped still) and grabbing one of Alyssa’s hands to gently put on Emma’s own chest, she urged Alyssa to follow her breathing.

“Hey, hey, Alyssa, feel me, I’m real. Breathe with me, feel the cold air filling your lungs. It’s real, too. OK? In, two, three, four, and out, two, three, four. That’s it, slow. In, two, three, four, and out, two, three, four.” They stayed like that breathing in and out slowly, until Alyssa nodded that she was able to manage the anxiety now. Emma let the guilt consume her again, but rather than burdening Alyssa further, she put her arm around her and guided them both back to Alyssa’s apartment. 

Wordlessly, Emma let them into the apartment, and back towards Alyssa’s bedroom. It looked like Alyssa’s roommates were too caught up in reruns of some sort of reality show to notice them, which was probably for the best. Emma silently shut the bedroom door and then turned back toward Alyssa who was standing almost shell-shocked in the middle of the room. Emma slowly stepped towards her and started to unzip the skirt. Any previous fantasies she had about this moment in the evening had long since evaporated. She just wanted to make Alyssa feel comfortable again, comfortable and safe. 

She found some flannel pants and a long-sleeve T-shirt, helping Alyssa into them. She then guided her towards the bathroom. Alyssa nodded in understanding, and Emma left her to wash her face and brush her teeth. By the time she pulled her T-shirt over her head, Alyssa was back in the room. Alyssa walked over to the bed and crawled towards the pillows, and lay down bringing her knees into her chest. Emma sighed and hurried to the bathroom to quickly get ready for bed. She stared at her reflection for a long moment, witnessing the war between the guilt and doubt play out in her own eyes. She couldn’t let either win, though. She’d been through too much, and come too far, to let her own insecurities stand in the way of her relationship with the girl she loved.

When she walked back into the room, Alyssa tracked her with her eyes as Emma hung up her towel and put her toothbrush back in her bag. She climbed into bed facing Alyssa. Bringing her hand up to cup Alyssa’s cheek, her thumb slowly stroking until Alyssa looked her in the eye. Emma whispered, “I’m sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t have unloaded on you like that especially when you had such a successful night. I’m sorry I ruined your moment.”

Alyssa wrapped her hand around Emma’s that was still resting on her cheek. Alyssa’s voice was rough from crying. “Thank you, I, um, I had actually been pushing the anxiety down since the middle of the week. I know better than trying to escape it, but there’s just not time to breakdown sometimes. I’m sorry, I ruined your visit. I --”

“Hey, hey, no, Alyssa,” Emma interrupted. “I’m happy just being here with you. Nothing has been ruined. We --we’re just out of practice at communicating fully about what’s going on, huh?”

Alyssa let out a watery laugh. “You could say that. How long have you been holding onto all that frustration?”

“I didn’t think I had been. I guess it’s been affecting me more than I’d thought to not have the same college experiences as everyone else. I’m so sorry I took it out on you.” Emma kissed Alyssa’s forehead. Alyssa brought her knees down and then snuggled in closer to Emma.

“I’m sorry there are some jerks in my department.”

“I’m sorry I let them get to me, I shouldn’t have. I should have --”

“Hey, it’s OK.” Alyssa brought her hand up to mimic Emma’s motion from before, slowly stroking Emma’s cheek. “Let’s not focus on that right now, OK?”

Emma nodded.

“OK, come here.” Alyssa rolled onto her back and motioned for Emma to lay her head down on Alyssa’s chest. Once they were both settled, Alyssa let her fingers drift back and forth along Emma’s spine. Eventually, she heard Emma’s breathing even out, and the rhythm of Emma’s breathing combined with her comforting weight finally lulled Alyssa to sleep, too.

Emma felt something tickling her nose. Groggily she swatted at her face, but she didn’t feel anything there. A minute later she felt the feather-light touch again on her cheek this time, though. She swatted at her face again, slapping herself, which forced a giggle from somewhere nearby. Emma huffed out a breath and cracked one eye open, not that she could make out Alyssa’s features, but what she could do is tell where Alyssa was and how far away. When the tickling sensation came back for a third time, on her neck this time, she reached out and poked Alyssa in the ribs eliciting a squeal of surprise from her.

“C’mon, sleepyhead, let’s get going,” Alyssa said shifting off the bed.

“I didn’t think we had any plans for today,” Emma grumbled out.

“We didn’t, but I wanted to show you around town. Give you a different sense of Ann Arbor.” She didn’t finish the thought about the difference from the image Emma had described the previous evening, but then Alyssa didn’t have to elaborate. Emma still felt guilty, although the guilt had receded somewhat under the light of the day.

They first went to brunch at Aut Bar, a gay bar and restaurant tucked into a cozy little courtyard setting nearby the LGBTQ+ community center, a queer bookstore, and another gay bar across the way. In Ann Arbor there were a number of queer-friendly spaces, but if anywhere had to have the label of gayborhood, this was it. Everything was decorated in rainbows and rainbow flags as well as a rainbow of all the other flags from the spectrum of queer and trans culture.

After brunch, they poked around the bookstore, and then then Underground Sounds, one of the local record stores. After that Alyssa took Emma to Literati bookstore because being a total nerd Alyssa spent the majority of her time in very specific places: the many UMich libraries (she’d explored all the ones she could and had her favorites and favorite spots in each), coffee shops, and local bookstores, of which there were an impressive amount. There were more bookstores per capita in Ann Arbor than anywhere else in the country. The now defunct Borders bookstore chain had its start here in fact. 

Literati was both a bookstore and cafe, and before getting some frothy warm beverages, Alyssa showed Emma part of the reason she wanted to bring her there. The store’s logo was a circle with a black and white typewriter on it and as they got closer Emma could see that while most of the brick exterior had been painted a mossy green, there were a few white short horizontal stripes of varying lengths. On each stripe was painted in what closely resembled typewritten pages sayings profound, humorous, and somewhere in between. 

Emma pointed to one and laughed. She read it aloud. “My son thinks I am a genius because I know how to type . . . finally, he is impressed with me.”

The smile on Emma’s face as she took in the writings was exactly what Alyssa hoped it would be. “They’re from a typewriter they have inside that anyone can use. People leave confessions, sayings, thoughts, and they keep them all. They’ve published some in a book. Do you want to go in and check it out?”

Emma grabbed Alyssa’s hand to stop her from going in. The wool from Alyssa’s oversized sweater was slightly scratchy on the back of Emma’s hand. “Wait, I want to get a picture of you next to this one.” Emma pointed to a saying.   
“A bookstore is larger than the universe. After all, the universe only contains what IS.”  
They continued taking photos outside until it grew too cold to be goofing about, but before they did, Alyssa got a photo of the two of them kissing in front of the saying that read, “I will find someone someday.”

Followed by one of just Emma with the phrase, “Typewriters remind us that words are sounds. What have we lost now that words are silent?”

Emma smiled at Alyssa as she walked over and opened the door. She held it open and with a slight flourish directed Alyssa inside ahead of her. Alyssa gave a slight bow towards Emma before entering and leading the way up the stairs to the cafe on the second floor. Alyssa lost Emma immediately to the cozy children’s section, and she stood in line to wait to place their order.

Several minutes later she tapped a finger on Emma’s shoulder, who had been engrossed in a picture book simply titled _Love_ by Matt de la Peña and Loren Long.

Emma accepted the cup with a somber look on her face. As the scents from her drink reach her nostrils Emma turned to Alyssa. “Did you get me m--”

“Marshmallows.”

“With whi--”

“Whipped cream.”

“And --”

“And cinnamon. Emma, who do you think you’re dealing with here?” Alyssa holds up her free hand in question. “C’mon, there’s more books downstairs and in the basement.”

They both walked around getting engrossed in different sections of the bookstore. Alyssa went to check and see if her favorite staff recommenders had anything new on the “Staff Picks” display. Emma decided to check out the basement and walked around the non-fiction and biography sections. 

Being an older building there wasn’t much spare space to move around in considering all the bookshelves and tables laden with books were pushed into every corner and the tables took up the majority of the middle of the room. Everything was stacked or shelved neatly. Emma appreciated the order of the bookstore and the ease with which she could find things.

She looked up and spied the typewriter. It wasn’t the most obvious placement right next to the stairs, you could easily miss it in the crowded bookshop.

Emma walked over to the old fashioned typewriter and sat down. Her hand hovered over the keys. She actually hadn’t written much of anything new since high school. She wondered briefly if she’s peaked already. A one-time internet sensation who will never write again. Emma shook her head and got up from the seat. She walked over to a section of books based on films. Her back was turned away from the typewriter. After a few minutes, she peeked over her shoulder at it. Typewriters couldn’t mock you, could they? She gave a huffing breath as she turned back around fully and tried to feign interest in the books there. 

Emma moved about the room, always conscious of the typewriter. Finally, she sat back down at it with a sigh. What did she even have to say anymore that was helpful to someone else? Lately, she hadn’t been feeling inspired, tired was more like it. She lightly ran her fingers across the keys, the combination of the smooth enamel and metal were cool to her touch. She’d never actually seen a typewriter with keys in the shape of circles. She began to type without putting much thought into it.

Alyssa found her as she finished up her thought. Alyssa leaned over Emma’s shoulder from behind, wrapping one arm along Emma’s other shoulder lightly splaying her hand along Emma’s sternum, and her other arm wrapped around Emma’s waist. Alyssa read the words Emma had just composed. Emma held her breath feeling more exposed than when she’d posted her song on the internet for all the world to see.

_Sometimes I worry about what the future holds, but then I remember the feeling of your hand in mine. Your gentling touch grounds me, here, now._

Alyssa’s breath caught once she finished reading the typed words on the page. Her lips lightly brushed Emma’s neck, sending shivers down Emma’s spine. “Let’s go home,” Alyssa whispered before standing fully and holding out her hand.

Emma took Alyssa’s hand as she got up. She felt the soft texture of Alyssa’s skin, the strength in her grip, too. Emma smiled. “I’m surprised you’re walking out of here without any books.”

Alyssa laughed lightly. “Oh, no I definitely bought some. They’re holding them at the counter.” 

On the walk home, Emma thought about the picture book and all the presentations it contained of what it is to love. She knew Alyssa and she still had some things to discuss regarding what had been said last night, about the things impacting their lives, about everything and nothing, but while things may have been resting on a precipice, at least they were static for the moment.

As their joined hands swung slightly between them as they walked, Emma took note of a sidewalk upturned by the roots of a nearby tree. The foundation had cracked and was separating where the roots had taken hold, pushing forward through the earth. 

Back in the present, in the kitchen, Emma thought to herself about that weekend, and how their relationship had certainly been overturned, their foundation cracked like the sidewalk. They couldn’t see it then, but that weekend had been the beginning of the end. A few months later, they’d decided to take a break. That break had extended until they were finally broken up for good. Emma realized she still had her hands wrapped around the mug of tea, despite all the warmth had long since seeped away. Emma drank the tepid liquid anyway, wincing slightly at having burned the leaves causing a slight bitterness to the tea. Bitter fit her mood anyway. 

Emma glanced at the envelope with the NPR Storycorps logo for the millionth time in the past two weeks. When she was a kid, she was sure grown-ups had it so easy. They could make their own decisions, or so she’d believed back then. She was still learning that self-determination as an adult wasn’t as easy as all that. Yes, bitter fit her mood just now, she thought as she tipped her head back draining the dregs of her tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be happier. I promise.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the lengthy delay in this chapter, but hopefully, it's worth the wait. Good news is I have been working and reworking parts of this chapter since October. Bad news is if it's terrible I only have myself to blame, and I should have gotten it done sooner. This one has more fluff than the others because it's been a tough couple of months for --everyone. Drop a note or a like if I did OK.

Emma glanced down at Westley. He lay on his side almost literally underfoot next to the chair Emma was perched on. He wasn’t sleeping, she could hear his sighs every once and a while when he would glance up at her as if this time finally the two of them would do something, anything, he was a dog after all. It didn’t take much to excite him. At that thought, Emma sighed herself, it really didn’t take much and he was such a good and faithful companion.

“Do you want to go to the park? Huh, Westley? Do you want to go get your energy out?” 

Westley’s head perked up at this and he then twisted his head this way and that as she spoke. His tail thumped gently against the floor as he started to catch on.

“Well, c’mon then, Handsome. Let’s get going.” Emma laughed as Westley leapt up and then jumped towards her placing his paws on her chest and tried to lick her face. “OK, OK, hey, I need to get my jacket on. I don’t have a fur coat like you.” Emma reached for her jacket. While a green jacket, it wasn’t the green jacket from high school.

No, that one had been burned by a girl she met junior year. After Emma had transferred to Indiana State, the young woman had gotten a hold of it and started messing around by a bonfire at the party they had gone to together. The girl, Shiela? Charlotte? Something, had pulled the jacket from her hands and started dancing around with it, being slightly drunk Shannon? hadn’t noticed how close the jacket was to the fire. Emma had rescued both the jacket and the girl from the incendiary escapades, and needless to say, there hadn’t been a second date. Emma tried not to think about how devastated she’d been. After everything she and that jacket had been through, she couldn’t bring herself to let it go, but it was singed beyond repair. Her Grandma had salvaged pieces of it. She had turned those pieces into a quilted blanket for Emma. The rest of the quilt had been made of some of Emma’s old flannels, her baby clothes, and a few swatches of Betsy’s clothes and Emma’s grandfather’s flannel and corduroy. 

Emma glanced over to the couch where the blanket lay along the back. She smiled, slipping her arms into her new green jacket. She ran her fingers over the rainbow stitching that made a diagonal from the buttons to her shoulder. The stitches were invisible. She still marveled at their precision. Alyssa had been the one to give Emma the new army jacket after they had exchanged some of their more unconventional dating stories during a marathon phone session that summer after Kaylee’s wedding. Along with the rainbow adornment, Alyssa had sewn on a few other patches, added a SheRa pin, and a Wild Feminist button. She’d also sewn on elbow patches.

It was Emma’s jacket 2.0. She’d been so touched at the thoughtfulness when it had come in the mail.

Emma pulled on a grey winter hat and a scarf. She grabbed Westley’s leash. He’d been dancing and doing circles the whole time she’d been layering up for the brisk autumn day.

Once he’d jumped into the passenger side of the truck he sat politely waiting while Emma climbed into the driver’s side.

Turning out of their neighborhood Emma spied people streaming down the sidewalks toward Main Street wearing navy blue and bright yellow— sorry, “Maize.” Emma rolled her eyes. Folks were particular about the names for colors in Ann Arbor, and there were only two that mattered, Blue and Maize. The reverential tones under which those words were uttered implied both were capitalized, always.

“I forgot it was a home game today. They get pretty touchy when you get the colors wrong, don’t they? How many golden retrievers have we met named Maisey, huh? And then there was that dalmatian, too, which was the oddest name for a white dog with black spots. Not everyone has as suitable a name as you.” Being a dog Westley didn’t respond, as usual. Instead, he looked out the window at the people walking in small groups, some families, some college kids, and they all seemed excited about the game. How could Emma fault them for their excitement? She’d never gotten into sports, not really. Finding school spirit is tough when everyone is giving you a hard time every day at school and then when you go home, your family is falling apart. But she couldn’t fault Michigan fans for their ardor, besides these days she tried to live and let people enjoy things. The world was so full of hate and awfulness, she didn’t need to add to it. At least not too much, she grinned wryly.

Once the light turned green, and the last of the overeager college kids sprinted past thinking they could make the light (and failing), Emma turned away from the stadium. The sounds of the crowd were already growing, even though the game wasn’t for several hours.

The crowd noise brought to mind the dark wood-paneled bar one November evening. Booths and tables were placed in a haphazard fashion. Neon beer signs supplemented the few hanging lights that weren’t quite over any of the tables, and really weren’t doing much to dispel the dimness. Two spotlights shone on a slightly raised stage area. Emma stood just beyond the stage outside where french doors had been retrofitted onto the old building. She tried to breathe in the night air before sitting under the hot lights, playing to a much larger crowd than she’d anticipated. She’d played to crowds before, of course, but never to one this size. Playing to people on the internet had a sense of anonymity about it, or maybe it’s that she’d been in high school and felt there was nothing to lose. Emma looked at the crowd through the window, wondering why she’d agreed to do this. Her thumb hovered over the contact name on her phone. She hesitated. It would be an hour later, there. Was she still up? If she was up, would she be studying? Emma sighed and willed herself to slide her phone back in her pocket. Her hand wouldn’t obey.

“You’ll be fine.”

Emma turned at the sound. A woman with dark curly hair walked towards her.

Emma smiled. “Hey, Shelbs. You say that as if you thought I was worried.”

Shelby raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you?”

“Only that you won’t be able to keep up, you sounded a little rusty in practice the other day.” Emma’s eyes glinted teasingly.

“I’m sorry, what was that? Did you just say you wanted to be a solo act tonight? It kind of sounded like that’s what you were saying.”

Emma laughed. 

Shelby noted the contact displayed on Emma’s phone. Nodding towards Emma’s hand, Shelby’s tone softened. “You know she’d be here if she could.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. I know. I mean, it’s not like I expected her to fly home in the middle of the term for a crummy gig at a dive bar in East Bumfuck, Indiana.”

“Brooke is going to take some video of a few parts of each set, she’ll see it. I promise.”

“I know. We’re just-- we’re in this weird undefined place right now, and it’s hard to gauge things.” Emma blew out a breath. “I just miss her.” Her hand brushed absently on the rainbow patch of the green jacket Alyssa had sent her a week ago. Marveling once again at the precision of the stitches, Emma had zero doubts Alyssa would be a fantastic surgeon. A slow smile slid across Emma’s face as she finally slid her phone into her back pocket reassured. 

The bar manager stood up on the stage telling the patrons that the kitchen would be closing in an hour, and after a few other housekeeping items finally introduced Emma and Shelby. The bar erupted in applause and a few wolf-whistles could be heard coming from an older group of lesbians in the corner, who it seemed already had a few drinks before the night even got underway.

Emma looked at Shelby amused. They both sat down on the stools set up on the stage, getting comfortable with their guitars. “Hi, y’all. I’m Emma Nolan.” A few more wolf whistles and claps. “Thank you. We’re going to start off tonight with a cover of a little band you might know,” Emma paused. Then counted down for Shelby, and they both started strumming energetically, the rhythm of their strumming getting a few people on their feet before they even sang the first lyric. Emma grinned before she started. “This thing called love, I just can’t handle it….”

The crowd while large was really kind and attentive. They’d loved the first two songs, and about halfway through the third Emma saw someone walk in and sit at the table with Brooke, Nick, Kevin, and the gang. She wondered briefly who it was but then turned her focus back to her playing. Maybe Betsy had decided to come out after all.

After the applause from the third song died down, Emma grinned, and said into the microphone, “Alright, if you know this next one feel free to sing along.” 

Emma and Shelby started playing the first few chords and the lesbians in the back went wild. Emma laughed as she started, “I’m trying to tell you something ‘bout my life, maybe give me insight between black and white, and the best thing you’ve ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously…” By the end of the song the whole bar, including the bartender, was singing (or screaming off-key), “Closer I am to fi-ya-ine!” 

Again the bar erupted in applause and wolf whistles. Emma laughed. “Thank you. I have to sing at least one iconic gay song otherwise people will start to question what happened to that lesbian who defied the PTA and held a gay prom, you know?” Laughter and chuckles could be heard throughout the crowd.

“Speaking of the prom. This next song means something special to me, and I know it reached a lot of you, too.” Emma strummed a little bit on the guitar, and she could have sworn she heard a gasp from the table with Kevin, Kaylee, and Brooke. She tried to see but the combination of the spotlight and the dark bar meant she wouldn’t have been able to pick out a xenomorph, let alone a person.

She started singing the same simple heartfelt tune she’d written all those years ago. The bar was silent. Everyone was entranced by the woman and her guitar. Shelby wasn’t playing, but she did come in with the harmony about halfway through. When they were done, there was a stunned pause as everyone tried to compose themselves. Then the noise was almost deafening.

Emma grinned and started right into the next song, “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton. She and Shelby traded off on the verses and came together during the choruses. The whole bar was clapping in time to the music. For the last chorus, Emma held the microphone out to the crowd and let them take over. 

“For this next one, I’m not sure how many of you all are bluegrass fans,” Emma paused after a few whoops from the audience. “OK, well, that’s good.” She turned behind her and switched out her guitar for a mandolin. Turning back to the crowd and adjusting the mic stand so that she could stand for this one. 

Glancing at Shelby, Emma counted them in. Her fingers flew over the mandolin strings as a gentle melody floated out. Emma took a breath and started, “You gotta leave me now. You’ve got to go alone. You’ve got to chase the dreams, one that’s all your own, before it slips away.”

The tender song continued with the lyrics speaking to letting go of individuals but holding fast to the love and support for the people we care about. Emma had worked so hard on learning this song by Nickel Creek. It had helped somehow with the breakup from Alyssa all those years ago.

Shelby and Emma ended the song harmonizing on the last few notes, and then strumming the last few chords. 

“Alright, we’re going to take a break, and we’ll be back in 20 minutes, which I think let’s you get final orders into the kitchen.”

Emma nestled the mandolin in its rest. And turned to grin at Shelby. “I think it’s going well, what about you?”

“Only because I decided not to leave you in a lurch.” Shelby laughed and reached for her water bottle.

“Do you know who walked in early in the set?” Emma said. 

Shelby shook her head and shrugged.

Emma really had to pee but she also wanted to see who it had been. She looked at her phone and figured she had enough time to do both.

Once she got out of the bathroom she made her way over to her friends. She didn’t see anyone that she didn’t recognize from before they went on.

She nodded at the “Great sets,” and “Good jobs.” But she looked around to see who had walked in late. Growing frustrated she hastily interrupted Nick who had been sharing an amusing anecdote.

“Who came in late? Sorry, Nick.” Everyone turned to Emma with either a surprised or bemused expression. Emma looked around at the people she had lately come to consider her friends. Shelby smirked. 

“Shelby? You DO know something don’t you?”

At that Emma felt a tap on her shoulder. She whirled around to meet the dark gaze that had haunted her every night since the wedding. Except it was here. Those deep brown eyes were here. The nose and the mouth that went with them were here. “You’re here.” Emma said and then immediately regretted the inanity. 

Alyssa’s mouth quirked up at the corners, and her deep modulated voice affirmed, “I am.”

“But how are you here? I just spoke with you in Baltimore.”

Alyssa had a full-on grin now. “I may have told a small lie.” She laughed at Emma still trying to put it together.

“I have to finish a show.”

“You do.”

“Will you still be here when I’m done?” 

At that Alyssa cupped Emma’s face and moved closer kissing her cheek and whispering in her ear, “I will wait for you, Emma Nolan, for as long as you need.”

Emma smiled wide. She couldn’t stop. Shelby rolled her eyes and grabbed Emma by her rolled up sleeve, “C’mon, Casanova, let’s go. It’s time to work for a living.” Emma felt as if she were floating up to the stage.

The smile was firmly in place.

“We’re going to start this next set off slowly,” Shelby said, knowing Emma was all but useless at the moment. “We’re dedicating this one to our friends Nick and Kalyee who were wed just a few short months ago.” 

They started playing the chords to “I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You.” 

Even though Emma still couldn’t clearly see the table where their friends were, she felt as though she could sense Alyssa’s gaze on her. She thought of that night at the wedding often, of their slow dance, of the feelings Alyssa evoked in her so easily.

Sure, things were complicated living in two completely different states, but Alyssa was here now. She came to see Emma play. Emma was damned if she wouldn’t give the best performance of her life.

The songs started to meld into one another, but fortunately, muscle memory kicked in as she played and sang. She knew the set so well, some early 2000s Dixie Chicks, “The Story” by Brandi Carlile. Then came the next song, one that reached in and shook out her heart a little. She played the opening chords.

“Now, this next song means a lot of things to a lot of different people, but it’s part of what saw me through high school, in addition to the amazing people in my life.” Emma coughed. She stopped playing to grab a drink of water from the bottle on the floor. “OK, here we go, from the top.”

Emma began strumming again and Shelby’s guitar rounded out the sound. “You got a fast car, I wanna ticket to anywhere. Maybe we can make a deal, maybe together we can get somewhere….”

Emma was trying hard not to glance in the general direction of Alyssa during the song. It had always made her think of them though. A queer anthem written in a time when queer folks were even less inclined to come out to their families. After all, there wasn’t even anything explicitly gay in the song lyrics, but then gay people had always had to read between the lines.

What was she to read into Alyssa’s actions in coming here tonight? What could they be though with Alyssa continuing her medical training? Would it matter if they were both on the same page about what they wanted, if what they wanted was impossible?

Emma shook her head as she finished the song, “You got a fast car, but is it fast enough so you can fly away? You gotta make a decision, leave tonight or live and die this way.”

The bar erupted again. This time Emma could pick out Alyssa’s whistle. She couldn’t help but grin despite the turmoil of her thoughts.

Once their set was over, when the bar had cleared out, Emma sat with Alyssa on her lap as they chatted with their friends. Alyssa’s fingers combed through Emma’s short hair sending pleasant tingles stuttering through her nerve endings. 

Reluctantly she moved Alyssa off her lap. “I have to pack up my stuff so that Jim can head home.” 

Alyssa turned toward the bar manager who was counting out the till. She quirked up a skeptical eyebrow at Emma. Emma, her eyes filled with apologies and unstated promise, stepped away to move towards the stage and finish packing up her instruments.

By the time she was done most everyone had left. Alyssa had made her way outside to the parking lot to say goodbye to Nick and Kaylee. She leaned back against the bar’s rough brick exterior as Emma walked towards her.

“Hey, there, Rockstar.”

Emma laughed lightly, “Rockstar, huh?”

“Yeah-huh,” Alyssa enthused, as her hand of its own accord reached out to wind itself into Emma’s jacket, pulling them together. They were close enough for Alyssa’s breath to whisper across Emma’s lips.

“We should probably talk before-“

“Before?”

Emma cleared her throat, “Before we, uh, um, before we get into anything.”

“Right.” Alyssa nodded her head quickly in agreement as she gave Emma one final tug pulling Emma completely against her. Their lips met soft and sure, like they’d done this hundreds of times as teens, which to be fair, they had. And then just like when they were teenagers the kiss quickly turned heated. Electricity coursed through Emma’s nerve endings, throwing sparks. Emma was sure she was becoming a fire hazard, but she didn’t care in the least as she pulled Alyssa’s leg up to wrap around her hip. Alyssa’s calf and heel dug into the back of Emma’s thigh.

Alyssa’s hands which had been resting at Emma’s sides holding her near as if she thought Emma might pull back, began a tantalizing dance trying to find skin to trail blunt nails across causing goosebumps. Emma made a guttural noise deep in her throat as Alyssa continued her exploration.

In an attempt to divert Alyssa’s attention and alleviate some of the sweet torture, Emma slowly slid her fingers along Alyssa’s thigh currently wrapped around her. Alyssa gasped as Emma skimmed her nails along the seam of Alyssa’s jeans.

The sound of someone clearing their throat behind them broke them apart, albeit slowly. They smiled at each other with goofy grins, as Alyssa looked around Emma and asked, “What?” Of the interloper. 

Shelby grinned. “I wanted to remind you you’re in a semi-public place, for one. For another, can I get a hug? I probably won’t see you before you jet back to B-more.” 

As Shelby and Alyssa embraced Shelby thanked her for coming out to see their gig. Emma watched them fondly and heard Shelby say, “You should tell her.”

Alyssa replied a little too emphatically, “Say goodbye, Shelby.”

“Goodbye, Shelby,” Shelby laughed as she turned to walk away.

“Smartass!” Alyssa called after her.

“It sure is!” Shelby tossed over her shoulder as she gave her butt a little shake.

Alyssa rolled her eyes. Turning back to Emma, she half purred and half growled, “Now, where were we?”

“We were going to head to Gran’s house.” Emma grabbed Alyssa’s hand, spinning her back to face the apartment.

“Oh, were we?”

Emma stopped. “Did you have other plans?”

Alyssa leaned in to kiss Emma right behind her ear. “Nope. Everything is going just exactly as planned.” 

“You’re pretty proud of yourself aren’t you, Ms. Greene?” Emma threw her arm over Alyssa’s shoulders pulling her close.

“I love when a plan comes together is all.” Alyssa snuggled even closer as they walked towards Emma’s truck.

Emma’s truck bumped along the dirt road to the dog park. There were always potholes from the various cars, trucks, and county vehicles that came through. Westley didn’t care that he couldn’t keep his feet on the dash from all the jitteriness of the truck. He had recognized where they were at the intersection and was excited to get out and sniff, well, everything.

As Emma pulled into a spot she thought about that phone call she’d received while she had been running errands three years ago. Alyssa was on the other end breathless.

“Igotin.”

“What? Alyssa, is that you?”

A laughing Alyssa responded, “Yes, it’s me. Hi.”

Emma smiled. “Hi.”

“I got in.”

“Where?”

“Michigan!” Even in just one word, the joy in Alyssa’s voice was unmistakable.

“That’s amazing! Congratulations! I know it was your top choice, I’m so proud of you. They’re lucky to have you… back. Sort of, I mean, I know it’s the hospital and not the school, but they’re… congratulations.” Emma winced at how she’d started to ramble like a fool. 

Alyssa either hadn’t noticed or hadn’t cared. She laughed again. “Come with me.”

“What? Where?”

“To Ann Arbor. Come with me. There’s nothing keeping you in Indiana, right? So come with me.”

“Alyssa, I— I— it’s a big step. Are you sure? I don’t want to distract—“

“Listen, yes, I am sure, and no, you won’t be a distraction— except sometimes. Look, you don’t have to answer right now. I know it’s a big ask. Just promise me you’ll think about it?”

There was a pause.

“Emma?”

“I will think about it.”

“Thank you,” Alyssa’s tone was quieter now.

“Hey, Alyssa?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a rockstar.” Alyssa’s laugh reverberated down the line as they disconnected the call. Emma rested her forearm on the steering wheel as she realized she had a decision to make.

Westley nudged Emma’s hand dangling over the steering wheel, she hadn’t even realized she’d mimicked her memory as she sat there daydreaming letting precious park time go as Westley stared at her intently. 

“Alright, alright, let’s go. I know, you’re very patient,” Emma said as she clipped on Westley’s leash and gave him the space to jump down from the truck cab.

“Here we go, as you wish.”


End file.
